Lord of the Rings Version 2point0
by Skep
Summary: Updated! But on permanent hiatus. The overly told story of some randoms ending up in Middle Earth. And completely screwing it up. Heh.
1. You Whoey?

Hey. Well, this is my (and ok, Rowie's) first LotR fic. Basically when my friend Rowie came round we wondered what it would be like if we landed in Middle-Earth. Yes, ok, so it's a blatant Mary-Sue attempt, but it amused us at the time. I do the writing, Rowie helps with the plot. Our friends decide to join in and surrender to becoming complete arses in the fic. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! ::shakes head:: I'm a sad, strange little child. Anyway. We'd be grateful for all reviews (good or bad), so please, just click that little "submit review" button, and write something. ANYTHING! EVEN IF IT ONLY SAYS FELOBBLE!!! PLEASE REVIEW!! ::gets down on knees and begs::  
Oh... and in this we're about 22. I hope I got the Took family right, after all I did take it from the family tree in the back of my LotR book (aka the Bible), so it should be fine.  
Oh yeah, None of it's mine. Well, except for me. I think. Rowie and the 'I'm confused' noise (tm) belong to Rowie. Harriet belongs to herself, as do her dungarees. The rest of them belong to the genius, J.R.R.Tolkien, the god that he is.  
So yeah. Without further ado, Lord of the Rings, Version 2.0!

****** 

**

Lord of the Rings, Version 2.0 

**

"WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! Fuck me!"  
"No thanks." Even after falling from God-knows-how-high, Katherine Green, known to just about everyone as Kate, could still come up with a disturbingly sarcastic answer.  
Her best friend Rowan Locke, known to her friends as Rowie, rolled her eyes in exasperation; they had landed in the middle of a thorn bush and it was painful. They had no clue where the hell they were, and worst of all , her suitcase and bag had landed on top of her, knocking all air out of her lungs, whereas Kate's fell with a thump a few metres away. She was entitled to a bit of eye-rolling, even if she *was* used to the sarcasm.  
"Ok, slight pain," Kate moaned as she extracted herself from the bush. "Thorns are definitely a bad thing."  
"Where the hell are we?" Rowie asked in her Scottish accent to no-one in particular.  
"Uh, the Shire, actually." The two girls turned round, prepared for the worst... Prince Charles.  
Fortunately, they were faced with a small man with dark blonde/light brown curly hair and green eyes. "Have you forgotten where you live already?"  
Before they had time to ponder the meaning of his words, Kate realised the diminutive height of Rowie and the newcomer for the first time. "Ok, Rowie, I knew you were small, but this is pushing it."  
The newcomer looked at Rowie and then back at Kate, surprise evident in his voice. "Rowie? That's my sister, Tigerlily!"  
"You whoey?"  
"My sister! Come on Lil, you've been missing for years, where've you been?" Rowie and Kate exchanged worried glances, Kate's eyebrows rising up in quick succession of each other.   
"Look, yes, ok, we both sound like we come from Scotland, " while Rowie was talking the man mouthed 'Scotland?' "And we both have curly hair, but that's all the similarities. Being related is a bit far-fetched."  
"Nonsense! Come on, Lil, let's go tell everyone you're back!" He took her hand and wrenched her from the bush and she stood up on uneasy feet. "What on earth are you wearing?"  
Rowie looked down at her jeans and jumper. "Whass wrong with this?"  
"I see you discovered other styles of clothes when you were away." The man then turned to Kate. "D'ya want to come to our house for a while? Any friend of Lil's is a friend of mine!"   
Rowie started to protest, but Kate shoved a hand over her mouth. "Shut up! They'll have food!" That was Kate; always thinking with her stomach. Nodding to Pippin, they started to follow him down a path. Rowie moved ahead to protest.   
"Peregrin Took, I don't know who you think you are, but-!" Realising that she knew his name, she clapped a hand over her mouth and emitted a small 'eep'. Kate stepped forward and started chatting with Pippin.  
"Peregrin, was it?"  
"Call me Pippin."  
"Pippin. Cool. Well, anyway, what Row- erm... Tigerlily's trying to say is that we're not exactly from around here."  
"Well, did realise that, I mean you're an elf, and we don't get many of those round here!" Kate stopped, and looked at Rowie.  
"I'm an elf?! Wicked!" Rowie and Kate high-fived.  
"I may still be in my tweens, but I've never known an elf to be evil..." Pippin looked confused, but Kate was busy admiring her ears.  
Rowie took charge. "Look, Pip, I know you think I'm Tigerlily-" when he started to say that he *knew* she was, she silenced him. "Seriously, I'm not. I don't know what's happened, but I'm not the Tigerlily you know." Pippin looked at her, utterly bewildered, so she sighed and let him lead the way. "Eugh! God, I'll explain later, ok?" Pippin slowly nodded, and continued to lead them down the path. 

As they neared the town, Rowie noticed how *everything* here was small. Well... almost everything. Kate looked even more out of place than usual. (a/n ;-D) Everything was the perfect size for both Rowie and Pippin, and apparently everyone else in the town. Was Kate just abnormally big or had Rowie shrunk to fit in with these unusually small people?   
While deep in thought, Rowie suddenly tripped. She stumbled, and then looked down at the floor to find the cause of the fall. And then she saw something that scared her.   
Rowie's feet, usually a size 6, were really big, and worst of all... hairy.  
She hit Kate on the arm. "Kate... KATE!"  
"What?!"  
"Look at my feet," Rowie commanded.  
Kate looked, and shrugged. "They're huge and hairy." Then she did a double take. "Bloody hell! Ha ha ha!! You have hairy feet, you have hairy feet!" she teased. "Ooh! And you have weird ears."  
Rowie groaned. "Great. We get stuck in some freaky place populated by..."  
"Non green munchkins? Non blue oompa-loompas? Mini-me's?" Kate suggested.  
"I'd like to remind you that *I'm* one of those munchkins!"  
"Yeah, yeah, whaaaaateva."  
"Well anyway, we get stuck in some freaky place populated by -erm.."  
"Non green munchkins...?" Kate prompted.  
"ARGH!" Rowie yelled and stomped in front of both Pippin and Kate.  
"What's wrong with Lil?" Pippin asked.  
"I think it's cos I'm annoying her."  
"Ah... I tend to do that too." Pippin said, a wide grin spreading across his face.  
"Really? Like how?"  
"Um... well, me and Merry - that's my best friend - are always playing tricks on her and stuff like that."  
Kate grinned evilly. "Eeeexcellent..." she said, in the style of Mr Burns from the Simpsons. "D'ya reckon I can help next time?"  
Pippin laughed. "Definitely!"   
Up in front of them, Rowie turned around suspiciously. "Are you guys laughing at me?"  
"Who...? Us?" Pippin and Kate put on their best innocent looks. "Never dream of it."  
Rowie raised her eyebrows, but continued to talk. "So Pip, how far is it to home when I get to tell you why I'm not the real Tigerlily?"  
"Not long now." He went in front of them and lead the way once again.  
"Your brother is so cool!" Kate said.  
"Sure Kate. You just keep telling yourself that. Just wait until he starts playing tricks on you as well."  
Kate arched an eyebrow. "You remember him playing tricks on you?"  
"What? No! I mean-er-um... oh shite."  
"Y'think?"

*** 

Upon reaching Pippin's hobbit hole, Rowie and Kate had finally started to panic properly.  
"Ohshiteohshiteohshiteohshiteohshiteohshite..." Kate repeated.   
"But.. we're meant to be going on holiday... not in 'The Shire'!" Rowie made her trademark 'I'm confused' noise (tm). She followed Pippin through the door, looking at what was meant to be her home.  
"OW! BLOODY HELL!" Rowie heard a thwack, followed by swearing in several different languages- conclusion: Kate must have walked into the door. Rubbing the soon-to-be-bump on her head, Kate walked in, crouching. "I feel like the bloody BFG."  
"Aw, Kate, that's not true." Rowie paused. "You're not that nice." Kate just gave her a sarcastic smile and sat down in the nearest chair to prevent any further injury.   
Pippin announced that he was going to go and find the rest of the family, and Rowie nodded. She looked around the room; it seemed familiar. It had plain coloured walls, and had a homey feel to it. It was warm and had wooden furniture. Pictures covered the walls, and she was startled to find a portrait of herself. "Oh... my... god."  
"Great, *Janice* has decided to join us." Kate rolled her eyes.  
"Shuddup. There's a portrait of me on the wall!"  
Kate stood up and carefully scuttled over. "Dude! You really *are* a hobbit!"  
"Well observed." Rowie remarked dryly. 

At that moment Pippin and the rest of the Took family decided to come into the room.   
"Tigerlily!" The parents of the 5 Took children, Paladin and Eglantine Took, rushed to their daughter and Paladin engulfed her in an enormous hug.  
"It's so good to have you back!" He said, making way for Eglantine and the 3 other girls, Pearl, Pimpernel and Pervinca to exchange hugs with the baffled Rowie.   
Kate and Pippin stood in the corner , watching the exchange.  
"So how long has Rowie- sorry, Tigerlily been away?"  
"About 3 years." Pippin answered.  
"Blimey."  
Meanwhile, Rowie was struggling to get away from the many hugs of the family.  
"OI! I AM NOT TIGERLILY TOOK!" She yelled, and everyone stopped and stared at her.  
"What?" Paladin asked.  
"Me and Kate- my friend, the elf girl over there," Rowie waved a hand in the vague direction of Kate. "We landed here a while ago... we don't know how it happened, but one moment we were setting off to go on holiday- and it was waaaaaaaaaaay forward in the future, and the next we've fallen from the sky and landed here."  
"She's right." Kate spoke up. "Pip found us."  
"Is this true?" They turned to Pippin.  
"Well, I don't know about the whole landing from another time, but I did find them in a thorn bush." He smiled at the memory.   
"An-an-and and look at our clothes!" Kate's slight stutter indicated she was a bit nervous... after all, 5 hobbits were staring at her like she was from another planet. "They're different! Look at my jeans!" She indicated her amazingly baggy jeans. "I mean I don't exactly see anyone else round here wearing them."  
"Yes, but you're an elf!" The Took's refused to believe that Rowie and Kate were from another time. "You dress differently to us!"  
"For fucks sake..." Kate muttered.   
"Is there anyone you can take us to so we can prove ourselves?" Rowie asked.  
Pippin suddenly remembered something. "Gandalf! He's probably here already! You know, for Bilbo's birthday party!"  
"Alright then!" Eglantine said. "We'll go to Bilbo's and see if Gandalf has arrived. But... your clothes.. they've got to change." Rowie and Kate looked down at their clothes, and then at each other.  
"Oooooooh no..." They murmured, and then were attacked by hobbits.

*** 

"Aw! You look lovely, Lil!"  
"For the last time, my name is Rowie, and no I don't!" Rowie protested as Pearl, Pimpernel and Pervinca pushed her out of one of the bedrooms into the hallway.  
Kate burst out laughing.  
Rowie was wearing one of Pearl's dresses, it consisted of a white shirt underneath and a brown pinafore style dress that reached just below her knees covered it. Although the Hobbit style did look in place on her, it was waaaaaaaaaay too big. Pearl was the smallest of the Took daughters- although only by ½ an inch- so one of her dresses was chosen for Rowie. Unfortunately, the _powers-that-be-who-decided-to-send-Rowie-and-Kate-to-middle-earth-through-no-fault-of-their-own-::pause::-bastards_ had made Rowie into a short hobbit.  
"Great. Juuuuuust great."  
"Aw, Rowie, you'll be fine!"  
Pippin was busy trying not to laugh. "You know, Lil, you're gonna have to wear that to Bilbo's party if Gandalf can't send you back!"  
Once again, Rowie looked at her dress, and then started advancing on Pippin, sibling ::cough:: love ::cough:: deciding to rear its ugly head. "Why you little-"  
Pippin ran out of the door before she could catch him. "I'll go see if Harriet has anything!"  
"Now... Kate!" Eglantine walked through the door after watching Pippin run out of it. "I've just been to the tailors and got some dresses made up for you- one for now, and one for tonight... You should have seen his face when I gave him the measurements! Anyway, I got you a green one for tonight and a brown one for now. Let's see how they fit, shall we?" The female members of the Took family (i.e, those present, including Rowie) grinned evilly and started to walk slowly towards her. Kate shrieked and ran desperately for the door.   
"Grab her, girls!" Eglantine commanded, and Pearl and Pimpernel grabbed her arms. Rowie and Pervinca started pushing her towards the bedroom door, while Kate struggled.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! NO NO NO NO I'M NEVER GONNA WEAR A DRESS! NOOOOOOOOOO!!"   
Unfortunately, even being twice the size of the Hobbits, Kate still didn't manage to escape. ::insert funeral march here::

She emerged several minutes later wearing a long brown dress, and as they didn't wear shoes in the Shire, the outfit was completed by Kate's red DocMartins (those being the only pair she had brought that actually looked halfway decent).  
"Oh... sweet... God."  
"I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you..." Kate muttered, scowling, as the hobbits tried desperately to keep from laughing.  
Kate looked... well, very very girly.  
"And this, my friends, is the reason I never wear a dress. Because I look like a complete and utter prat."  
Rowie laughed and shook her head. "Now Kate, if you look like a prat, what do I look like?"  
"A pillock," She replied, not missing a beat. "But soon you'll have some lovely fitted clothes." A knock on the door was heard. "Right on time."  
Pippin walked through the door, followed by a small female Hobbit with brown curls and a smiling face.  
"Lil, Kate, this is-"  
"HARRIET?!" They shrieked. For this new Hobbit was no stranger. Oh no, this was one of their friends. "What are you doing here?"  
She shrugged. "They have dungaree dresses. I might as well stay for those." Rowie and Kate rolled their eyes, Harriet was famous for her dungarees- dresses, trousers, you name it.  
"This is getting weirder by the minute..." Rowie muttered.  
"And besides," Harriet continued. "The people are really nice." Harriet and Pippin looked at each other, faint blushes on their faces.  
"Oh, so *that's* how it is, eh?" Kate grinned. "Pippin and Harriet, sitting in a tree, doing what they shouldn't b- oomph!" Kate was elbowed in the leg by Rowie.  
"Shuddup!"  
"Sorry."  
The room fell silent for a few moments, until Harriet handed the dresses she had brought to Rowie.  
"These should fit you." Rowie gratefully took the dresses; if she had to wear Hobbit clothes they might as well fit!

She emerged later wearing a dress much the same as the first, except this one was a perfect fit.  
"Alright then." Pippin moved towards the door, indicating for Rowie, Kate and Harriet to follow him. "Let's go to Bilbo's and see if Gandalf's arrived!"  
As they walked out of the door, Kate's stomach demanded to be nourished.  
"I sure hope this Bilbo guy has food..."

****** 

So there you have it. Hopefully it'll get more exciting as the story unfolds. Reviews are EXTREMELY welcome, feedback helps me create the illusion that I might just be a good writer...   
Next time: We meet the other Hobbits, Rowie starts drooling a pond when she sees Frodo, and the party begins! Woohoo! Join us then!


	2. “Play, you pillock!”

Hey all, I'm back. ::groans come from just about everyone:: yes yes, I know. I suck. But hey, i figure that considering how everyone who reviewed wanted more, I might as well write more. Plus, my mates'd kill me if I didn't. :)  
Well, anyway, I'm sorry it's taken so long. I've been uh... busy. ok, yes, i couldn't be arsed. So sue me. Well, no, don't. Um... I don't know what I was going to say. Oh well. Oh yeah! There's a part in here about "TWELVE!" (you'll understand when you see it), and none of you will actually understand what the hell I'm going on about. It's just a thing where Rowie managed to embarrass herself, our friend Meg, my sister Mim, my parents and myself while simultaneously being high on nothing and pteradactyl laughing. Life is strange.  
Uh.... None of the below is mine apart from me (Kate)- not even the story's mine! ::sob:: Rowie belongs to herself, as does Harriet. All recognisable LotR characters belong to J.R.R.Tolkien... even though he's dead. oh well. On with the fic!

*****

Pippin lead the group consisting of himself, Rowie- or was it Tigerlily? - Harriet and Kate, along the road to Bilbo's house. From inside they could hear two voices, one belonging to the dear hobbit himself, and the other deeper, not often heard in the Shire- obviously Gandalf's.  
"I need a holiday," Bilbo said, "And I don't suppose I'll be coming back... In fact I intend not to."  
Pippin, Harriet and Rowie paused (Rowie might as well face it, she knew who Gandalf was), wondering if it was right to interrupt the conversation. After a moment Pippin shrugged, and stepped forward to knock on the door.  
"GO AWAY!" Bilbo's angry voice shouted through the door.   
"Come on Bilbo! Let us in!" They heard grumbling from inside - probably Bilbo recognising the voice of the chief troublemaker in the Shire - and the door swung open.   
"What is it Pippin?" he sighed.  
"Well... Is Gandalf here? I'd... well... it's probably best for us to explain with him listening as well." Bilbo stepped aside and they wandered inside, Kate taking in the new surroundings. For Rowie, memories of this place were coming back slowly, and she didn't know why- after all, she'd never been here... had she? Shaking her head, she looked down, and realised that yes, she was wearing a dress, and yes, she was still ashamed of it. Looking at Kate, she realised that Kate had completely forgotten that she'd actually been forced into one. Feeling too shy to appear wearing Harriet's dress, Rowie ducked behind the coat stand nearby.   
Bilbo led them into his kitchen, where Gandalf was sitting with his pipe.  
"Tigerlily Took! Why, I haven't seen you in ages! How've you been, my dear girl?" Rowie, annoyed at being found, slowly appeared from her hiding place.  
"How'd you know I was there?"  
"You silly girl, I know how you're ashamed to wear dresses!"  
"But I look stupid!" she argued  
"Rowie, you look lovely... I think." Kate said slowly.  
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence Kate."  
"S'aright." She shrugged.  
"I've gotta say actually, you suit dresses... and I think the next one should be pink."  
"I er... I think not. I hate dresses... and pink." Kate said, although against her protesting she didn't really care about the dress.  
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but who are you?" Bilbo looked up to Kate.  
"You wha-? Oh... right... yeah. I'm Kate Green. I'm an elf!" she announced proudly.  
"Well, I never thought I'd live to see the day that an elf arrived at Bag End! Did you, Gandalf?" They all looked to the wizard, who was watching the entire exchange with an amused look on his face.  
"Oh yeah! Gandalf! That's why we're here!" Gandalf merely raised an eyebrow, and motioned for Rowie to continue. "Well, ok... me and Kate were about to go on holiday-"  
"Hence the suitcases," Kate pointed out.  
"Yeah, and, well, we kind of fell into here - we've probably gone back in time and well I'm Pip's sister, and I'm remembering random stuff and we don't know why Kate's an elf or if she's connected to anyone and we're really confused cos we landed here out of the blue and I'm a hobbit and I don't like my feet and Kate gets to be all tall but hey that's not unusual but anyway I'm rambling I tend to do that a lot and shut up Rowie but anyway we'd like to know why are were here and how can we get back?" Everyone went completely silent and turned to stare at Rowie in wonder, she'd said that all in one breath and had kind of turned red.  
Kate/s stomach rumbled... again.

***

Later, when further explanations from Rowie were given (Kate was complaining about hunger- surprise, surprise), the group sat wondering about why Rowie and Kate were there, whilst munching some food. It was unusual for hobbits not to eat when discussing 'current events', and these were no exception... plus, it got Kate to shut up.  
Gandalf slowly exhaled and spoke quietly. "To be honest, I really don't know. When I next see the chief of my order, Saruman the White, I will speak with him about this situation. He very wise and will know what to do. Meanwhile..." he brightened and the sombre look left his face. "Your birthday, Bilbo! It will be a most exciting event!"  
Bilbo looked up and smiled. "I know! Elevently one, eh? Who would have thought?"  
"Elevently one? Whassat?" Kate inquired.  
"One hundred and eleven!" they all chorused, startling the elf.  
"Ok, ok! Sheesh..."

***

Later that day, the sun was just setting and Gandalf and Bilbo were sat on a bench, smoking their pipes respectively. They overlooked Hobbiton, and Bilbo felt the need to comment on the ::ahem:: *weed*.   
"Old Toby," Bilbo began. "The finest weed in the Southfarthing." He blew a ring of smoke, and Gandalf followed with a smoke ship that sailed straight through it. Bilbo smiled. "Gandalf, my old friend... This will be a night to remember!"  
Gandalf smiled and commented lazily, "With Tigerlily and Kate doing the music..." He left the sentence hanging, and Bilbo looked scared.  
"They... they're doing my music?" He paled.  
"Oh don't worry," Gandalf said. "There is a proper hobbit band. No, Tigerlily and Kate will be fine..."  
Bilbo wasn'convinced. Which was probably a very good reaction if he was in fact sane.

***

Rowie and Kate on the stage at the front of the celebrations doing an acoustic rendition of Original Prankster by the Offspring... yes, it had flute riffs and all. The hobbits were a bit put off by the choice of music, and despite the party atmosphere- helped along by Gandalf's spectacular fireworks- their attempts at dancing were really lame attempts at arm movements. Harriet was in the audience, smiling- though it looked like she was in pain.  
Rowie sighed. "I don't think they're liking it."  
"Of course they are!" Kate grinned and then actually took a look at the hobbits. "Ah..." she corrected herself, the smile fading. "I see what you mean."  
"What can we play?"  
Kate thought for a minute, and then said "D'ya remember," she put on a Scottish accent. "The Wee MacGregor?"  
"As in Ewan?" Rowie asked. Kate slapped her forehead in exasperation.  
"Pfft! I bloody well wish! Nah, I know it was ages ago but it's that one that I played in band, where everyone walked out when their parts were finished - at that concert where you and Meg came along you know - at Christmas when my hair went bright red for the first time!" Kate played in her local band/orchestra thingie, and Rowie had been to several of the concerts, if merely to watch Kate make a fool of herself. "Remember...?"  
Rowie looked confused.  
"Oh God," Kate sighed. " Does this bring back any reminders?" She put on a deep voice. "Now how many pieces could you hear in that?" She then put on a high, Rowie style voice. "TWELVE!! **TWELVE!!**" She looked at Rowie expectantly. (a/n: I'm sorry, it's a private joke kind of thing...)  
"Oooooooh..." the penny dropped. "That concert."  
"Yes, *that* concert."  
"Alrighty then," Rowie picked up a flute from one of the stands. "The Wee MacGregor it is."  
They started the Scottish jig thingie, and this managed to get the Hobbits dancing. Now *this* was more of a party that was expected in the Shire.

Meanwhile, Bilbo was working his was through a line of party-goers who didn't want to dance. "Hello! Hello! Lovely to see you!" He smiled as he greeted everyone. "Welcome. Welcome!"  
Bilbo's nephew Frodo, who as of yet hadn't met the Shire's latest additions, was also at the party. He looked around and saw his best friend Sam sitting on a bench, looking at the prettiest hobbit in the Shire, Rosie Cotton, who was at that moment dancing. Frodo shook his head at his friend's behaviour, and walked up to him.   
"Go on, Sam. Ask Rosie for a dance."  
Sam went to get up, grabbing his beer mug. "I think I'll just have another ale..." He looked away from Rosie, but Frodo turned him round again.   
"Oh no, you don't! Go on!"   
Frodo pushed Sam into the crowd of dancers, straight into Rosie. He laughed as she pulled him into a dance, much to Sam's delight.   
Rowie, still up on stage, saw Frodo laughing and immediately stopped playing and started drooling. Kate noticed this, and poked her sharply.  
"ROWIE!"  
"Hmm?"  
"Play, you pillock!"  
Rowie strummed pitifully on her guitar. "I am playing..."  
Kate rolled her eyes. "You're about to drown the party, what with the amount of drooling going on."  
Rowie sighed. "As long as I die happy..."  
Kate laughed as she realised that Rowie was now completely hooked on Frodo. All that could be heard from Rowie were wistful comments, such as "Hasn't he got the most wonderful eyes..." and "I love his hair... don't you?"  
"Go and talk to him!" Kate said. "I'll let the hobbits take over here."  
Rowie was shoved off stage by Kate, and wandered over to Frodo. As she neared Frodo, she lost the ability to do anything but stare at him... and he stared right back.  
"Hello." He said, and Rowie panicked as she realised he was talking to her.  
She made a few vowel sounds. And squeaked.  
"Are you alright?" Rowie smiled wistfully, realising Frodo was worried about her (possibly not in the best way), but said nothing. She stared at Frodo for a looooooooooooong time after that, eventually managing to strike up some conversation.

After watching this exchange of vowel sounds, Kate left the stage for the proper hobbit musicians to play their own favoured music. She looked around for Harriet, but found her talking with some of her Hobbit friends, all of them giggling and pointing at Pippin. 'Aha!' Kate thought triumphantly. 'I knew it...'  
Gandalf, meanwhile, had outdone himself with the fireworks. He lit one and everyone jumped back as it flew into the air.   
"Whoa!"

Bilbo was also entertaining people, an audience of Hobbit children in rapt attention.   
"There I was," Bilbo began dramatically, "At the mercy of three monstrous trolls! And they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to cook us." The children, if possible, became even more attuned to what he was saying. "Whether it be turned on a spit, or whether they should sit on us one by one and squash us into jelly!" The children looked afraid, but then utterly bewildered as Kate passed by and added, "After all, the microwave was broken," The hobbits gave her a funny look, but Bilbo continued, enjoying the attention. "They spent so much time arguing the whether to's and why for's, that when the sun's first light cracked over the top of the trees..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "Poof!" He mimicked the shape of an explosion in his hands, and children jumped and gasped. "It turned them all to stone!"

Gandalf, now running low on supplies, laughed as he gathered even more terrific fireworks. When he had left the cart, Pippin's best friend Merry appeared, holding an apple in the hopes that someone would believe that he wasn't getting into mischief. Pippin and Kate quickly followed, and Merry signalled Pippin to get onto Gandalf's cart.   
"Quickly!"  
"Shouldn't we wait for Rowie?" Kate asked, knowing full well that Rowie was a *little* bit distracted by Frodo.  
"Nah!" Pippin laughed. "She's a girl, she wouldn't wanna do something like this!"  
Kate spluttered in defence for her gender.  
Merry, meanwhile, helped Pippin get in the cart, and he crashed into the fireworks. 

Gandalf set off more of fireworks, and they spiralled past Hobbit children.   
"Whoa! Off they go!"

Pippin grabbed one of the fireworks.   
"No, no!" Merry chided him. "The big one! The big one!"  
Pippin grabbed the large dragon shaped firework. "Done."  
The three of them hurried inside a tent. They balanced the firework on the ground, and Kate lit it.   
"You're supposed to stick it in the ground!" She cried, pushing it towards Pippin.  
"It is in the ground!" He replied, moving it towards Merry.  
"Outside!" Merry pushed the rocket back to Pippin  
"It was your idea!" Pippin shouted, and they all shrieked when the firework went up, the force of it throwing them all to the ground. 

They watched as it turned into a huge golden dragon which flew straight into the night sky, its enourmous wings spreading. The dragon then swerved round and headed straight for the Hobbits, looking terrifying with its jaw open. They all saw it, some of them running away, others throwing themselves onto the ground.   
Frodo also saw it, and looked away from Rowie to Bilbo, both of whom hadn't seen it.   
"Bilbo? Bilbo! Look out for the dragon!"  
"Dragon?" Bilbo muttered. "Nonsense! There hasn't been a dragon in these parts for a thousand years-"  
Frodo realised that Bilbo didn't believe him and Rowie just wasn't paying attention, so he pulled them to the ground, just in time. The dragon swooped overhead over the horizon, and then burst into a beautiful mass of colours. The Hobbits soon smiled in relief and applauded the beauty of it. 

Over by the tent, Merry, Pippin and Kate all stuck their heads up from where they were hiding beneath their arms. All of them were torched, their hair sticking up and they were covered in soot.   
Merry, his short usually-nearly-blonde-but-now-practically-black hair creating an afro around his head, began speaking. "That was..."  
"Damned cool!" Kate, with her obviously dyed no-longer-bright red hair making her look like some kind of red lion, continued.  
"Let's get another one!" Pippin exclaimed enthusiastically, the soot covering his face making his bright green eyes stand out even more.  
Suddenly Gandalf appeared behind them, and grabbed Merry and Pippin's ears. Kate saw her chance and started to slip away, while the two hobbits looked up at Gandalf, wincing.   
"Meriadoc Brandybuck." He announced. "Peregrin Took." He then saw Kate trying to get away. "And Katherine Green. I might have known."  
Gandalf told them that, as a punishment, they should wash and dry all the dirty dishes, while he kept a keen eye on them. 

Back at the main party area, most of the Hobbits were sitting or standing in front of a platform, on which Bilbo is standing.   
"Speech, Bilbo! Speech!" The hobbits shouted.  
"Speech!" Frodo added, while Rowie continued to gaze at him.  
"My dear Bagginses and Boffins!" Bilbo began his speech. "Tooks and Brandybucks! Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles and Proudfoots!!"  
"Proudfeet!" corrected a large hobbit, sitting with his feet resting on a barrel. Bilbo dismissed the remark with a wave of his hand.   
"Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday!" The hobbits cheered.  
"Happy birthday!"  
"Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable Hobbits."  
The Hobbits cheered again.  
"Yo, don't forget the Elf!" Kate shouted, while washing the dishes.  
"Yes, and elf!" Bilbo laughed. "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like," he said, "And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve!"  
A silence spread across the party area as the hobbits looked at each other, most of them not actually understanding what Bilbo meant - which of course was the idea.   
"I...uh...I h-have things to do." Bilbo's expression changed, and he looked slightly worried. Frodo noticed and began to realise that something was wrong. He looked at Rowie, who was now paying attention to Bilbo. "I've put this off for far too long," Bilbo whispered, and then began to talk louder so that they could hear him. "I regret to announce, this is the end!" They looked at him in shock. "I'm going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell." Bilbo took one last look at Frodo, and then whispered a single word. 

"Goodbye."

*****


	3. The Incest Factor!

Title: Lord of the Rings, version 2.0, chapter 3.  
Author: Skep.  
Influenced by: the BOREDOM of frelling revising! And Radiohead. ::grin::  
Dedicated to: Bob, for helping with some of the ideas. He's my inivisible friend. ::grin::  
A/N: while reading through the past chapters (ooh... so many of them), I've come to realise that this story kind of focuses on me (Kate). I'm really totally in inexplicably sorry about this, I figure that it's just due to the fact that I know my own thoughts and I know how I would react in a situation better than I do any of my friends (sorry aboot that, guys!). I'm trying to correct it, but some aspects of my decidedly weird personality won't let me... Sorry peeps.  
I've also come to realise that I'm thrown the whole timeline out of whack. I read through the LotR world, it came with no small amount of shock that seventeen years passed since Bilbo disappeared and Gandalf returned with suspicions about the ring totally confirmed. I'm kind of going by a movie timeline here, the space between the disappearance and Gandalf returning for a final time having been condensed. Come on, if I did things properly Pip would be eleven at the party! Deal with it!

_Chapter Three: The Incest Factor._

Bilbo's disappearance, though never fully explained, was generally accepted by the inhabitants of the Shire. Frodo settled down to live in Bag End, and was frequently visited by Merry, Pippin, Rowie, Kate, Harriet and of course, Sam, who stayed as more of a best friend than a gardener.

In the few years that passed, Rowie and Frodo danced around a relationship, having passed the "I'll make a few vowel noises and make a complete twat of myself in the process" stage. Rowie, although quite content with her life, never made a move because she felt that she would try and get to grips with Middle Earth and the Shire. Frodo, on the other hand, had been in the Shire all his life and was perfectly at grips with it. The reason he never made a move was the fact that a) he was much too shy and not quite sure how to approach Rowie in that way, and b) although he was more than 20 years Pippin's senior, he was too afraid that Pip would kill him. Pippin was overly protective of Rowie because she was his younger sister and had been missing for a few years prior to Bilbo's disappearance. Rowie had her own way of revenge on Pippin for this by becoming overly protective of Harriet and stopping Pip from ever truly revealing his feelings for her (a/n: brief interlude here for the author to remark that although the real-life counterpart of Harriet [the one who likes Ben-the-Been] does think that the movie Pippin was amazingly cute, she thought that the spectacularly Scottish Billy Boyd was a singer of some kind [which, admittedly he kind of is considering he's trained to sing tenor and bass... but that's beyond the point]).

Kate, on the other hand, had no romantic attachments. She didn't actually mind because she found the height difference of an Elf-Hobbit romance really quite amusing.

Years passed quickly, and the Shire remained the same, adjusting to life with two new hobbit arrivals and an Elf.

Speaking of the elf again, it was discovered that Kate did not possess some of the qualities of her race. Elves, although they did sometimes sleep, were known as a race that did not need to actually sleep; merely able to lie with their eyes shut and recuperate. However, Kate became strangely hyper when she didn't sleep. After seeing what a hyper Kate was like, Rowie and Harriet advised the Hobbits to leave Kate along when she was asleep. Also, while many Elves were graceful and somewhat dainty, Kate had retained much of her clumsy nature. Constantly dropping things - be them pens or plates, and falling over suddenly when she was walking along; Kate tried desperately to be graceful and dignified. Of course, this goal was never achieved, possibly due to the fact that Kate had never met an Elf other than herself.

Rowie was also quite clumsy, although she did have an acceptable reason: her feet. Having been used to small feet, the sudden body-shock of the standard hobbit feet was at times too much to bear. She was forever falling over and simple things, and when she ran her feet made a noise somewhat akin to 'slapping'. Fortunately Kate did possess the Elf reflexes and caught her when they were together. 

Harriet, having arrived in Middle Earth several weeks/months (it's not quite decided) before Rowie and Kate, had settled down and had many friends of her own... Thankfully, the-power-that-be-who-decided-to-send-Rowie-and-Kate-to-Middle-Earth-through-no-fault-of-their-own-::pause::-bastards had also made lovely arrangements so that Harriet, if only for the sake of the plot, re-enhanced her friendship with Rowie and Kate once they arrived, and the people she'd made friends with didn't care. An abnormal thing about Harriet was that she didn't like her hairy hobbit feet. Well, admittedly, that's not so unusual, but the weird thing was that Harriet took action and actually went as far as to... shave them (a/n: this was Harriet's idea, not mine!) . Yes, she actually shaved her feet. 

Other than this abnormality (a/n: Harriet, I beg you please don't kill me), Harriet was, well maybe normal isn't such a good word to describe her with, but she was as normal as things go. She became renowned as one of the primary musicians of the Shire- her passion for singing coming through in her Hobbit personality. Her crush on Pippin remained and even grew, but nothing ever stemmed from it- mostly due to Rowie's interventions.

One random and frighteningly average day in the Shire, everyone- save for Frodo, who was visiting his older cousin Daisy, and Sam, who was helping the lovely Rosie Cotton with her garden; was sitting around on a sunny hillside, talking about life, the universe and tissues in general.

"I miss my baby..." Kate nearly whined.  
"You have children?" Merry asked curiously, Kate so did not seem the type for having maternal instincts.  
At this comment Rowie sighed and shook her head. "She doesn't, she's talking about her computer." At this point Kate's eyes became misty.  
"I hope someone's taking good care of it... if they haven't... if-if they haven't stolen it and-and-" she sobbed. "And sold its parts! Aaaaugh, I want it back!!"  
Everyone rolled their eyes and decided to ignore Kate and talk about something different.

"So, Harriet, it's your birthday soon!"  
"Yup!" she grinned. "25th June, here I come!"  
"We are so having a party." Rowie mused.  
"Oh, definitely!" Pip exclaimed enthusiastically. "You're going to be 23, aren't you?" Harriet nodded in the affirmative and Pippin continued. "Ten more years and you'll be of age..."  
"Of age?" Rowie asked, curious as to what this 'of age' involved.  
"You know, where you're considered to be responsible and everything." Pip explained.  
"Ah, you've got a few years to go yet, Pip!" Merry ruffled his cousin's hair.  
"I know, I know, 5 of them... Seems like ages!" he sighed.  
"Just..." Merry began, "Just don't try and grow up too fast."  
Pippin looked at Merry and smiled an impish grin that held a slightly evil twinge to it. "I won't."

Looking upon this tender moment shared by the two cousins-come-best-friends, the girls sighed inwardly, although Harriet did squeak an "Aww..."  
"Your brother's so sweet," she said. "He's got a tender side to him as well..." It was now Harriet's turn for her eyes to glaze over. Rowie shook her head and lay back onto the grass, joining Kate.  
"Shame you haven't got anyone, eh Kate?" She looked at Kate who's eyes were shut and she seemed to be in one of the frequent daydreams.

Everyone lay on their back contentedly, looking at the sky and watching the clouds fly past overhead. They lapsed into comfortable silence, full after having eaten a traditional hobbit picnic- in other words, a hell of a lot of food. Minutes passed, disturbed only by the low humming of insects in the grass. All was peaceful.

All, that is, except Kate, who sat bolt upright suddenly and stated, "Oh my Lord."  
"What is it?"  
"Frodo," she turned to Rowie.  
"No, I'm R-o-w-i-e," Rowie said slowly. "You're going mad."  
"No, I mean you fancy the pants off Frodo, don't you?" Kate interrupted before anyone could come up with any snide comments referring to her 'going' mad.  
"Uh..." Rowie blushed while the others looked at her inquisitively. "I um... I guess, yeah."  
"Well, aren't you like cousins or summat?"  
"Um..." Rowie paused, wondering which direction this conversation was going to take. "Sure." Everyone gasped and Merry had the nerve to say - or rather shout - the one thing they were all thinking.  
"INCEST!"

Later on that day, when the sky had turned to rich red and orange colours, they were all sitting around in the hobbit home that Kate and Harriet shared (Rowie lived with the Took's in her old room) eating ANZAC biscuits that Kate had graciously made after the dinner.  
"I still think that's really, really gross." Harriet stated.  
"Meh..." Rowie said, unable to think of a decent reply.  
"You know, technically you could say that it's alright," Merry interjected.   
"How so?" Kate raised an eyebrow.   
"Well, you're really very distant cousins..."  
"We are?!" Rowie perked up. Merry spent the next hour trying to figure out exactly what relation they were to each other, but failed miserably, so they all decided to get the family tree out. 

About half an hour later, Pippin returned from the Took's humble abode with a copy of the Took family history. Following the trail of the tree backwards, the discovered that the way that Frodo was related to Rowie was, in Merry's terms:  
"Well, your great-grandfather's sister's grandson is Frodo."  
In other words, they were third cousins. Which meant that it was okay for Rowie to like Frodo. And considering that Rowie was from the future, it wasn't really incest at all.  
"Fine," Kate said, "But I still think it's pretty gross." She grinned to show she was joking, and the atmosphere settled back into comfortable chatter.

Much later that night, Harriet had exhausted herself talking and singing for the somewhat tipsy hobbits (Kate, being an Elf, did not find hobbit ale as strong as the normal beer she was used to), and she excused herself to go to bed.  
"See you in the morning, everyone," she yawned.  
"Night!" Merry laughed.  
"Bbyeeeeeeeeeeee!" Pippin hiccuped.   
"See ya!" Rowie shouted after her.  
"_Quel kaima_!"* Kate said, and then suddenly stopped. "What did I just say?"  
She turned round to find Merry sprawled on the floor, snoring gently, and Pippin and Rowie falling asleep on the hobbit equivalent of a sofa, leaning on each other.  
"I dunno, but it wasn't in Westron," Pip murmured, his head dropping onto his chest as he fell asleep.  
"Rowie...?"  
It turned out that Rowie was also asleep, resting on Pippin. Kate sighed, covered them all with blankets, and headed for bed, wondering what the weird language she was now speaking in was called. Perhaps it was Elvish, she didn't know, but random thoughts kept popping into her head in this new language.  
"_Amin anta kaim..._"** she muttered, and went to bed.

*** 

* Sleep well!  
** I need to sleep... 


	4. The Arrival of the Mixture Called Poppy

Title: Lord of the Rings, version 2.0, chapter 4.  
Author: Skep.  
Influenced by: Maths lessons. And the Coral, cos they rock.  
Dedicated to: all my friends, for being depressed with me in my news of leaving.  
A/N: Rowie has once again teamed up with me to write this ongoing story. Maths lessons are great for writing amusing things in - right under the nose of the Shiny Irish Demon. We're up to chapter 7 now, it's just a case of me writing it up, which won't happen in the near future. ::grin:: sorry! Anyways, enjoy.

_Chapter Four: The Arival of the Mixture Called Poppy._

Several days after the 'incest factor' theory had been thrown out of the window, Kate was still coming up with random snippets of the language that had been decided as Elvish. By now, just about everyone was used to it, and it had been accepted that Kate was in fact able to speak Elvish near-fluently.  
A few weeks later, it was both Frodo and Bilbo's birthday. Everyone knew that Frodo liked to celebrate Bilbo's birthday as well as his own, and they looked forward to the party.

***

"Come on Rowie!" The shout was heard even over the loud music in the hobbit inn.  
"Shut up, all of you!" Merry grumbled, his face red with exertion  
"Come on, come on!" Rowie spurred herself on.   
As a means of entertainment they - meaning Rowie and Kate - had set up hobbit arm-wrestling. The winner of each game would play the next person who felt they were strong enough to beat them; at the moment it was down to the last two hobbits (it was felt that it would be too unfair if Kate joined in, being an elf and all) - Meriadoc Brandybuck versus Tigerlily/Rowan Took/Locke.  
At the beginning of this match, it was felt that Merry had the advantage; he was a male hobbit, traditionally stronger than the female hobbits. However, now that the game had progressed, it was clear that the two were evenly matched.  
Currently, the two arms were locked in the centre of the table, and it looked like there wasn't going to be any way of knowing who would win. Merry, desperate not to be beaten by a girl - especially not by his *cousin* - was putting all of his energy into getting Rowie's arm onto the table. Rowie, also desperate to win, was slowly but surely making Merry's arm reach his side of the table. After a long and tense silent struggle, Merry was beaten. People cheered Rowie, who stood up and bowed.  
"Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!" She said.  
"Chaucer!" Kate yelled at her; Rowie had taken a line from the film A Knight's Tale - a film that they were both somewhat obsessed with (Kate more so with Chaucer/Paul Bettany).  
"Yup! WHEEEHEEE! I won, I won!" She got up on the table and started doing a mini groove.  
Merry, ashamed to have been beaten, proposed a contest of another kind.  
"I propose a drinking contest!" He yelled over the din, which got louder after he had shouted. People were obviously more excited about this than they were about arm-wrestling. "Who wants to beat me?" Several people waved their hands in the air, but Merry - his competitive nature causing him to go temporarily insane - told Kate that he would out-drink her.  
Everyone stopped talking when he said this - Merry had surely gone crazy, Kate was an elf and therefore able to hold more drink than a hobbit without falling over.   
Kate shrugged. "Yeah, allright."

Later that evening, the two were still at it. Several people had got bored and wandered off to join in the dancing, or to talk to Frodo - after all it was his birthday, but there was still a large crowd around the drinking partners. It turned out that the owner of the inn, a Mr Muverond, had a small (in comparison to the other supplies) supply of people/elf strength ale. Kate was drinking this, while Merry had hobbit ale; it made the competition much fairer.  
Eventually though, as Merry gulped what would be his last drink (while swaying), he swayed a little too much and fell over, the alcohol having got to him.  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Kate yelled, doing her own version of a mini groove. She quickly stopped though, proclaiming, "Buggering hell I have to pee!" and legged it out of the inn.

***

Rowie, having calmed down just a teensy bit after her arm wrestling victory, looked round the inn, muttering/singing gibberish. "La la bla la ja la squeetle OOH FRODO!" As you may have guessed, she spotted Frodo sitting on his own - strangely - and went over to talk to him. "Helloooooooooooooo! My dearest Froooohooodooohooo!" Rowie was, quite obviously, pissed. "How are yoooouu?"  
Frodo looked round for a means of escape, unable to handle a pissed and somewhat lusty Rowie. "Um… Sam…?" He looked around for help, and then at Rowie, whose face had turned slightly red. "Tigerlily, why have you gone red?" he questioned.  
"Red? Me? Um. I'm ander the unfluence of incahol!" she paused. "I think. Hic!"  
"You're intoxicated?"  
"No, I just had too much to drink! Hic!" There was a thud as Rowie fell onto the floor, unable to keep her balance any more. "I'm ok!" Came the voice from the floor. "I don't have much sense of balance winyay!" Frodo paused, looked at Rowie and then made a hasty retreat.  
"Well, that's nice!" Rowie said. At that moment Kate wandered back in, looking much more comfortable.  
"Aaaaaaah… much better!" She looked at Rowie. "Why are you on the floor? Feel like an early bedtime?"  
"I think I may be vertically challenged." Rowie answered.  
"Either that or you can't stand up straight." Kate dryly commented.  
"Hic! That too! Have you seen Parriet or Hip?" Rowie asked, in between hiccups.  
"Um. No?" Kate said.  
"I poprose we look for them!" Rowie, uh… poprosed.  
"Ok, sure. Firstly… the dance floor!" Unfortunately this innocent comment caused Rowie to start singing. Loudly.  
"IT'S MURDER ON THE DANCE FLOOR… BUT YOU SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING... HEY HEY HEEEEYYYY IT'S MURD-"  
"Shut up! SHUT UP! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Kate screamed.  
"I think I might be pissed." Rowie analysed. "Myalawayalayalalalawaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
"Really?"  
"No! Yes! No! Yes! Shut up Rowie! No! Yes! No! YES!!! Ok…." After this argument, Rowie's voice turned meek. "I'm confused."  
"I think you should sit down," Kate advised. "I'll check the dance floor. Being, you know, slightly," she coughed, "a LOT," she coughed again, "taller than you… That way you're less of a danger to yourself. And others."  
"I am sat down!" Rowie declared.  
"No, you're lying down."  
"I am?" Rowie asked in wonder. "WOW!"  
Kate gave her the patented Kate's-what-the-hell TM look. "I'll be off now…"  
"Nooooooooo!" Rowie clutched Kate's leg. "Don't leave me! Frodo doesn't love me! He left me here! Sitting down! Lying down… here."  
(a/n: cue cheesy violin music)  
"Um... Rowie?" Kate asked.  
"Yes?" she replied quietly.  
"Let go of my leg."  
"Can I have some coffee?" Rowie rapidly changed topics. "Please?"  
"GOD NO!"  
"Ik'll sobee me up!"  
"And make you hyper."  
There was a pause. "But I'll sobee me up…!"  
"How about some nice water?" Kate asked, and then came up with an idea.  
"Don't want water."  
"Hehehehe…" Kate picked up Rowie the hobbit and carried her outside, heading for the large pond.  
"It turned into an F!" Rowie shouted at random hobbit passers-by. They quickly headed on their way, muttering things about "Those crazy Took's… especially that Tigerlily and Peregrin…"  
Once they had arrived at the pond, Kate was about to throw Rowie in to sober her up. But as she was about to do so, a voice from above - one that sounded like it was rapidly falling - shouted "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" followed by a loud sploosh as someone fell in.  
Rowie and Kate looked at each other. "Ooookay!"  
"1…" Kate began the countdown to throwing Rowie in the pond to "sobee" her up. "2… 3!"   
Rowie was then thrown in the pond.  
"EEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHH!"   
And promptly landed on someone.  
"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?"  
Recognising this voice, Rowie and Kate looked at each other. "Poppy?"  
"Rowie? Kate?" She looked at them.  
"That was amuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-" Kate paused to take a large gasp of breath. "-Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusing!" Then, seeing the looks she was receiving, "What?"  
"Anyway!" Poppy clambered out of the pond with a large clump of pondweed in her hair, followed by Rowie.  
"Well," Kate said, "This is unexpected."  
"What's unexpected?" Poppy asked.  
"You. Arriving. Etc. In a pond." Kate burst out laughing, while Poppy glared at her.  
"Meh!"  
"Teehee!"  
"Um, yes Kate…" Rowie said.  
"Rowieeee… is sobeee! Heeeheeee! Rhyming-eeeee!" Kate giggled.  
"Is she high or pissed?" Poppy asked.  
"I assumed pissed. She drank Merry under the table and only now is it showing."  
"Ah."  
"Yes."  
"Where's Harriet and Pip?" Kate asked.  
"Harriet's here?" Poppy said. "Who the hell is Pip? And… um… Happy?"  
"Merry." Rowie corrected automatically.  
"Yeah, him."  
"Pip is Rowie's brother - Peregrin - and Merry is his - and her - cousin. Kind of." Kate explained. "And so is Frodo."  
"That's the short version," Rowie said. "Let's go find them then! That way!" She pointed to the left, started walking in that direction and then promptly fell over her feet. Kate burst out laughing and helped Rowie up.  
"Why are you so small?" Poppy asked.  
"I'm a hobbit!" Rowie announced proudly.  
"And I'm an elf! WHEEEE!" Kate laughed and swayed. "With… uh, slightly less of the grace!"  
"Would that make me an elf too? I'm the same… well, I'm not as short as Rowie."  
"Um. Let's see your ears!"  
"My ears. Wha?"  
"Are - they - pointy?" Rowie asked.  
Poppy's ears, sticking up from under her hat, were actually pointy, but it turned out she didn't understand a word of Elvish. "I must be a normal person."  
"Poppy? Normal?" Kate asked.  
"She's more normal than you." Rowie said.  
"True, true."

They started to walk in the direction Rowie had originally pointed to find Harriet and Pippin.  
"I wonder where Harriet and Pip are…" Rowie said loudly as they walked past a bush. Then, from the bush, two hobbits emerged looking slightly ruffled, with big grins on their faces… grins that disappeared when they saw Rowie.  
"Um…" Pip began. "Hah… you… see… um…"  
"I… uh…" Harriet continued. "Yeah… hmmm…" she coughed.  
"Hi 'Lil! I uh…" Pippin struggled for something to say. "How are you?"  
"I'm fine," Rowie began warily, and then fell over. "Still no sense of balance, but you know!" She got up.   
"What were you two doing?" Poppy asked.  
"Um… collecting wood!" Harriet had a brainwave. "To… er…" the brainwave crashed out. "To… put in… my… hair?"  
"Of course you were!"  
Merry joined the group "Were what?" He hiccuped and groaned. "Ooh, my head…"  
"Merry!" Pip said loudly and cheerfully. "Never been happier to see you!"  
Merry groaned and sat down. "Too… loud…" Kate spied him.  
"Ah! Merry!"  
Merry looked at Kate in awe. "You… are my hero!" He suddenly retched and was sick in the afore mentioned bush. The others wrinkled their noses and made grossed out faces.  
"I think you may need to find a new bush to uh... 'find wood' in!" Rowie laughed, and Harriet glared at her. The somewhat out-of-it Kate laughed hysterically and fell to the floor.  
"It seems that Kate has passed out." Harried said.  
"Well observed!" Poppy remarked dryly. They tried to get Kate up, but it was down to one of Rowie's bright ideas to make her wake up.   
She bent down and yelled in Kate's ear. "OH MY GOD! EWAN MCGREGOR HAS JUST WALKED IN!" Kate sat bolt upright, whacking Rowie in the head in the process. Rowie promptly fell over… again. "WHERE?!?"  
"OW!" Rowie yelled.  
Frodo and Sam, walking along at that precise moment, witnessed Rowie's peril and ran over to see if she was all right. "Tigerlily? Are you alright?" Frodo held her hand anxiously.  
"Heeeeeeeellloooooooooooooo!"  
"I think she may have a concussion," Frodo said, worried.  
"No, no I'm okay! Just happy to see-"  
"Rowie!" Poppy intervened. "Are you and…" she nodded at Frodo. "You know…"  
"Nope!" Kate said. "Not yet, anyway."  
"Well who is he?" Poppy asked.  
"Frodo."  
"EWWWWWW! INCEST!" At Poppy's exclamation, everyone made an annoyed noise, while Frodo and Rowie looked at each other, identical blushes colouring their faces.  
"We sorted it out," Harriet explained. "Don't worry."  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…"  
"Well, if uh, everyone," he looked at Rowie, "is alright we should be going."  
"Goodbye everyone," Sam said, "Hope you feel better soon, Miss Tigerlily." As they walked off, Poppy stared after Sam.  
"He's so sweet. Even if he doesn't say much."  
"Um… Kate…" Rowie began. "Do you think…?"  
"That… she…?" They burst out laughing at the thought of Poppy and Sam.  
"What?" Poppy asked, confused.  
"Never mind!" Rowie smiled. "Um… Kate, what is she?"  
"An elf!" Kate said. "She has the ears!"  
"Ahem… height difference…" Rowie pointed out that Poppy, while taller than the hobbits, was much shorter than Kate.  
"Oh yeah."  
"Where'd Frodo go?" Rowie suddenly asked. "Frooooooooodoooooooooooo?" She ran off in the direction of Bag End, while the others stared after her. They were left puzzling over what Poppy was - Kate had been made an elf when she landed in Middle Earth, and Harriet and Rowie were hobbits. Poppy, while being dwarf sized with elf ears and hobbit feet, was obviously not one type of person. Kate, noticing that Poppy was wearing a hat - something she rarely did - stole the hat.  
"Mwa ha!" Everyone gasped as long white hair was revealed - similar to that of Gandalf or Saruman… scary. "Oh my dear lord."  
"What?" Poppy asked.  
"You have whitey-grey hair." Pip answered.  
Poppy shrieked; this was quite the change from dark brown hair. "I HAVE WHITE HAIR?!?"  
"Um. Yes." Kate answered. Poppy ran around screaming.  
Meanwhile, Pippin hoisted Merry off the floor, and they had a quick discussion about… vegetables.  
"Anyway… Tonight?" they heard Pippin say.  
"Tomorrow." Merry answered. "I think I'm about to pass out." Amazingly, he then proceeded to pass out.  
With a muttered 'Bloody hell', Kate picked him up and took him back to the house she and Harriet shared. "Come on Pip!" Pippin looked wistfully at Harriet, who told him she'd see him tomorrow, and walked back into the pub.   
"Bye…" Pippin said, unaware that this would be the last time they saw each other for quite a while.

***

Meanwhile, in Bag End, Gandalf was talking to Frodo about Saurottie, the Dark Lord (ess) who had created the One Ring. He described her love for cheese, the reason why the ring had been created in the first place.  
"With the One Ring, Saurottie would be able to be in control over everyone, and in turn, in control of the cheese supplies of Middle Earth." Frodo, stilling his urge to express the opinion that Saurottie must be a nutter, instead said, "What must I do?"  
Gandalf helped Frodo pack some bags with clothes and food supplies for the journey. "Wait for me at the Prancing Pony in Bree, I will meet you there and we will decide what to do."  
"Alright." Frodo said.  
"Hopefully we will then-" Gandalf was interrupted by a loud crash and some muttered swearing.  
"What was that?" Frodo exclaimed.  
"Stay here!" Gandalf told him, worried that it was a Black Rider. He left the room and returned with Rowie complaining loudly.  
"I demand to know what's going on! He's my… um…" She muttered and unintelligible noise resembling the word 'boyfriend'. "I should know what's happening!"  
"Lil!" Frodo blushed. "Gandalf, can I talk to her?"  
"No," Gandalf answered. "On the way you can, she'll have to go too…" There was a rustle from the bush outside. "Get down!" Gandalf told them, and they complied. He poked at the bush with his staff, and was met by a loud "OOMPH!" that sounded quite like a squeaky Sam.  
"Confound it all Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf roared. "How long have you been eavesdropping?"  
"I ain't been droppin' no eaves, sir, Mr Gandalf, I was just trimming the verge, if you get my meaning." Sam stuttered nervously.  
"A little late for gardening, don't you think? Tell me! What did you hear?"  
"N-n-n-nothing, Mr Gandalf, that is, I heard a great deal a-about a ring, and-and-and something about the end of the world, but don't hurt me! Don't turn me into anything," he gulped, "Unnatural…" Frodo and Rowie looked nervously on.  
"No…" Gandalf gave a wry smile. "I've thought of a better use for you…" Frodo and Rowie looked worried. 

A little while later they were travelling along, each carrying packs - Sam with the largest one, following Gandalf. "Come along, Samwise!"  
Gandalf stopped to give them further instructions, and then left quickly on his horse, leaving the three hobbits to their own devices.  
"Where now, Mr Frodo?" Sam asked.  
"East, to Bree." Frodo answered, and the three started walking, unaware that this journey would be must further than just to Bree. 


	5. Dance Of The Sugarplum Hobbit

Title: Lord of the Rings, Version 2.0, Interlude 1.  
Author: Skep.  
Influenced by: listening to the Vandals' cover of "Dance Of The Sugarplum Fairy" one too many times.  
Dedicated to: my cup of tea.  
A/N: Alright, alright, before you tell me, yes I am well aware that it has been over a year since the last update, and that the only thing I've written during that period is a _*shameless plug*_ slashy little dribble of the Harry Potter fandom (which was delightfully criticised by my LotR v2.0 writing buddy, but frankly quite liked by some others… reviews appreciated, if that's your sort of thing). For some info on why it's taken me this long, please see my profile. :) For the moment, just enjoy this little interlude cooked up at 2am this morning. Remember that reviews are always most definitely welcome!

_Interlude: Dance Of The Sugarplum Hobbit._

The day after her unscheduled arrival in Middle Earth, Poppy awoke to find herself in – gathering evidence from the portraits adorning the walls – the residence of the Tooks. Bleary eyed, she made her way out of the room she was within and approached the main living area, where in her morning-daze she stumbled upon what appeared to be a large sleep talking elf shaped being.  
"Diver Dan… Can I call you Dan? … We've just bought a house in Pearl Bay… Mmm!" Kate, it seemed, was able to quote the Australian show SeaChange (tm) even in her sleep. Poppy's eyes rolled towards the heavens and upon their return journey they spied a certain Peregrin Took creeping through the doorway with a bucket of water. He looked, she decided, wonderfully sneaky. She began to speak but was hushed by Pippin signalling with a finger to his lips that she should be quiet.  
"The 8.15am ferry will be departing at, strangely, 8.15am…"  
It was like a ballet, Poppy mused as Pippin moved closer to the sleeping elf, with a very contemporary sleep-talking score by the famous composer Kate Green.

"I'm seriously thinking about becoming an alcoholic to give me something to do at night!"

_One step closer._

"Gooooood!"

_Another._

"And you turned out okay…"

_Three or four sashays._

"…In a fratchy sort of way."

_A balanced pirouette to avoid falling._

"Thaaiii…"

_A poised arrival at the destination, and a slight tipping of the bucket._

"The beer fairy has been!"

_The first few drops of Pippin's certain doom escaping from the container._

"We're sort of on a break from our break."

_A further incline._

"You are wearing underwear, aren't you?"

_A slight sloshing of ice cold water._

"John can claque, Betty can claque… See John claque!"

_An outright, completely unchoreographed dumping of Kate's wake up call. _

"PEREGRIN TOOK!"

_A not so dignified or even graceful run out of the door by a mischievous, giggling hobbit, followed by an irate, sopping wet elf._

Poppy chuckled at the complete absurdity of the sight of a soaked elf sprinting after a hysterical hobbit – but then realised that she had witnessed the entire event and would most likely be dobbed in by Pippin as an accomplice to the crime. She practised her innocent look. "Who, me?" she murmured. "I didn't see a thing…"

*****


	6. The Ride Of The Cheesewraiths

Title: Lord of the Rings, Version 2.0, Chapter 5.  
Author: Skep.  
Influenced by: The stress of _too much work_ and eating baklava.  
Dedicated to: my computer because it keeps trying to make me write an English essay in the same manner that I speak. Rather than "The place the boat is travelling to is not a hopeful country," the correct way of saying it is "The place the boat is travelling to be not a hopeful country." At least now I can blame bad grammar on the computer...  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my fountain pen. No infringement intended.  
A/N: Well, although it's taken quite a while, it's not been a whole year for the next chapter of this story to appear. I make the usual excuses - even more so though, as due to the upcoming half-yealies the teachers deem it suitable to shove extra work on top of our revision. All things aside, however, rejoice that it is here and enjoy this chapter. Reviews always appreciated.

_Chapter 5: The Ride Of The Cheesewraiths._

Later the same day, Kate was still bearing a grudge against Pippin for soaking her that morning.  
"Stupid bloody hobbit… thinks he's so clever… let me get him back… wait 'til I see him… Grr…" She was mumbling under her breath; never a good sign.  
"Oh for God's sake, Kate, let it go!" Rowie said, completely fed up with the whole thing.  
"Pfft. You're just sticking up for him because he's your stupid brother."  
"Well, yes. That, and you're being a knob."  
Kate vowed revenge.

*****

The next morning, Merry and Pippin were still asleep on the floor of Kate and Harriet's lounge room. Harriet had left earlier, needing to attend an urgent music rehearsal – preparations for the annual "Hobbit-fest" (hey, they're Hobbits, they can call it whatever unoriginal name they like…) were well underway. It was a yearly celebration of all things food-y and musical, the two great loves of the Hobbits in their simple life. Harriet, being a principal player in all musical events, was called upon to both supervise and perform. So to cut things short, Harriet wasn't in the Hobbit-Elf-house. And Kate was bored.

"Hmm," she pondered. "What to do…" She looked at Merry and Pippin sleeping peacefully. A plan formed in her mind… perhaps it was cruel to involve Merry - but then again, she thought, it might stop his hero-worship of her. "GASP!" She yelled dramatically. "SOMEONE STOLE OUR BREAKFAST!"  
There was no reaction, except perhaps for a few disgruntled snores.  
"AND SECOND BREAKFAST!"  
Much better results – Merry sat bolt upright with a gasp, and looked round in horror.  
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Pippin yelled in his sleep.  
"Let me at 'em!" Merry growled. "I'll kill the stupid fucking-"  
"MERRY!" Kate yelled, and then paused. "Not that my language is any better, but…" Her thoughts were interrupted by Pippin.  
"Hemmnephdaerrgah!"  
A sarcastic eyebrow was raised. "Do what?"  
"He said," Merry sighed, exasperated, "'Hemmnephdaerrgah!' Listen will you!"  
"Which translates to…" She turned to the Shreddies advert for inspiration. "Hunger strikes, boom boom da boom?"  
Pause. "Yes."  
Pippin, now awake, moaned pitifully. "Fooooood! Breeeeaaaakfaaaast! They took it from meeeeeeee!"  
"Oh shut up Pip. The food's here," Kate hurriedly looked around for some, found some cupcakes made by Harriet, and shoved them towards him and Merry. "I just did that as revenge for yesterday morning!"  
"But… But you involved me!" Merry cried, hurt. "What did I ever do? You played a trick on me, and I fell for it!" Kate thought that this would finally cause Merry to stop pestering her, but no. Instead she got "How did you do it! This incredible thing! You are my hero!"  
"Grr," Kate growled, but stopped when she saw Pip looking at his cake, forlorn. "Oh come on! That was just to teach you one thing…" The hobbits cowered slightly. "Next time you prank someone," she elaborated, "Let me help!"  
Sighing in relief, Pippin quickly devoured his cake. Merry looked at his suspiciously – the cakes were covered in bright yellow icing and jelly sweets: something he had never seen before. "What are these…" he picked one up and studied it. "…things?"  
"Mmmff!" Pippin exclaimed, "Bloody tasty!"  
"Cough it up!" Merry shouted, slapping him on the back. "You might die!"  
"Ahem," Kate coughed, "Are you criticising Harriet's cooking?"  
"Harriet? She cooked these?"  
"Harriet?" Pippin's mind wandered as he thought of the bush. "Mmm, Harriet…"  
"She went to some music-y thing…" Kate trailed off as she realised Pip wasn't listening. "Yo! Pip!"  
"Hmm? Did Harriet say something?"  
Harriet did in fact say something at that time, but as she was not in the house none of the current inhabitants heard it.(1)  
"She's not here."  
Mournfully, Pippin bowed his head. "Oh."

*****

Meanwhile, somewhere in Mordor, the big eye of someone was giggling somewhat manically.  
"BWAHAHaheheeeheeeeHEEEEHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!"  
And staring longingly at cheese.  
"DAMN I WISH I COULDST EAT THOU! BEING AN EYE SUCKETHS!"  
And interrogating a rather large piece of Edam.  
"BWAHEEE! NO LONGER WILST THOU KNOW THINE CHEESYNESS!" They cried, "FOR YOU ARE FORSAKEN BY THINE CHEESY FRIENDS! THEY CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW!"  
The chunk of Edam trembled at the mighty presence of the Big Eye. In its logical cheesy mind, it knew that it was impossible for a single eye to eat cheese, but the Eye's poise and authority left no room for logical thought.  
"AND EVEN IF THEY TRIED," the eye continued, "THEY WOULD BE FORESAKEN ALSO IN THEIR QUEST! FOR I WOULDST EAT THEM TOO!"  
The eye then realised it was speaking in upper-case and was very annoyed.  
"I AM INFURIATED THAT I AM TALKING IN THESE FEEBLE-MINDED CAPITALS! AND YE OLDE ENGLISH!"  
Said someone then used their spiritual powers of cheese-magic to cause the rest of Middle Earth to speak in capitals too. It was not that the narrators of this story had, for some reason, written in capitals during the original scripting of this fable on A4 lined paper (complete with blue margins and double holes), not at all. It was all Saurottie's fault. Really.(2)  
"I WILST EAT THOU WITH-"

*****

"Vegetables." Merry stated.  
"Vegetables?" Kate asked.  
"Vegetables!" Merry confirmed.  
"Vegetables?" Pippin enquired, after hearing all this speak of vegetables.  
"Vegetables!" Merry told him.  
"Vegetables!" Pippin said in awe.  
"Vegetables!" Kate exclaimed, then paused, uncertain. "Vegetables?" And then they all felt inclined to shout in unison, or at least talk in capitals.  
"VEGETABLES!"  
At this, Kate got confused. "WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?"  
"I TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THOSE THINGIES!" Merry shouted.  
Bored, Pippin yelled "LET'S GO!"

*****

The hobbits and the elf then found themselves in one of Farmer Maggot's fields, holding some filched vegetables. Poppy ran into their line of view.  
"HELLO POPPY!" They shouted to her.  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!" She screamed.  
"WHAT?!" they asked, and then as an afterthought, "ARE YOU SHRIEKING ABOUT?"  
"THERE'S A BLOKE WITH A BIG GRIM REAPER THINGIE CHASING ME!"  
"Hmm?" They said, but realising their lower-case-ness, they tried again. "HMM?"  
Kate stuck her head out over the crops, and started to scream. "AAAAAAAoh wait a minute!" She realised something.  
"What?" Merry asked.  
"Shouldn't Frodo, Sam and Rowie be here to share or at least witness our mortal peril?"  
Everyone paused.  
Frodo, Sam and Rowie then appeared.  
However, this was not done in a cool Star-Trek-beaming-down sort of way, more of an ungainly gallop through the crops and gawky stagger onto the path that the others were on.  
"Better." Kate acknowledged.  
Rowie and Frodo stared into each other's eyes.  
"INCEST!" Poppy yelled. At this reminder of the upper-case cheese-spell, the proverbial caps lock key was pushed and Saurottie's unlikely hex continued.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Resumed Kate, once more looking out over the crops.  
Everyone then ran away, in a manner much like that used in Monty Python.  
"I'M CONFUSED!" Rowie told everyone, "WHY AM I YELLING?"  
"I DON'T KNOW!" Shouted back Poppy, "IT'S CATCHING!"  


**Time*Out**

_Rowie, aka Narrator 2: *scrawls* Write in small -unidentifiable blob of a word- case! *succeeds* she's back in the game!_

**Time*In**

_Kate, aka Narrator 1: We will now rejoin LotR v2.0 after those technical difficulties._(3)  
Everyone continued to run.  
"I don't know why he's so mad!" Merry informed them all, "It's only a few carrots!"  
"And some cabbages!" Poppy told him.  
"And those three bags of potatoes you lifted last week!" Kate added.  
"And – and the mushrooms the week before!" Pippin finished.  
"Yes, yes, my point is," Merry tried to catch his breath as they ran, "He's clearly overreacting!"

At these words, they reached the edge of Farmer Maggots land, and confronted a rather large drop. Pippin stopped running, followed by Poppy, followed by Merry, followed by Kate, followed by Rowie, followed by Frodo, and finally completing the group was Sam who, in his haste, forgot to stop running and caused everyone to fall down the hill.  
The rather long descent was joined by two running commentaries – the first a mutual one, consisting of many swear words (picture "Fuck shit bollocks crap bollocks again! Argh!" joined by Saurottie's magic capitals, screamed at the top of one's lungs, and you might have some idea) and shrieks. However Kate's was slightly reminiscent of Star Trek…  
"Middle Earth… The final frontier! These are the voyages of the Shireship 'Hobbit-Elf-Poppy'. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new cabbage patches! To see out new hobbits-elves-men-dwarves-bugs-etc-and-mixtures-called-Poppy, and new civilizations of vegetables! To boldly go where no-one has gone before!" At this, she was joined by Rowie in singing the Next Generation theme.  
"Baaaaaaa ba ba baaaaaaaaaaa ba baa baaaaaaaa! Ba ba ba ba ba baaaaaaa baaaaaaaaaa baaaaaaaaaaa ba ba baaa baaaaaaaa!"   
Everyone but them glared. At Kate and Rowie for the singing, not something random like the sky for being blue. They then proceeded to land in an ungainly heap at the bottom of the hill.  
"Oh… I think I've broken something!" Merry pulled out a carrot from somewhere. He made a sad noise.  
"It's a carrot!" Rowie exclaimed.  
"A rather strategically shaped one too, if you ask m– Oomph!" Kate's gob was quickly covered by Rowie and Poppy.  
"Don't destroy their fragile hobbit minds!" Poppy chided.  
"You've already destroyed mine!" Rowie reminded her.  
"Fragile? I'm not! And Pippin?" Merry said, "After what he and Harriet have been doing? I don't think so!" He slapped his own hand over his mouth. "Ahhh, wasn't meant to say that!" He took out an item that he believed to be, well, Rowie would class it as a 'dangly watch thing' but to the educated world it was an object known as a fob watch, and started swinging it. "You are getting very sleepy, very sleepy…"  
"Merry?" Pippin interrupted.  
Sleepily, Merry said, "Yes?"  
"That's a carrot."  
"Oh!" He bit it.  
_Narrator 1: I don't want to know, as my mind is still stuck on the strategically shaped carrot  
Narrator 2: As is mine…_  
"Damn them!" Rowie said, "Damn the crappy fucking – almost literally, blech! – mental images!"  
"Heh heh heh heh…" Kate chuckled.  
Rowie then regained her brain and remembered the purpose of her, Frodo's and Sam's journey. Having been told about the notorious Cheesewraiths by Gandalf, and registering his warning about the main paths in her mind, she said "Shit!" and grabbed Frodo's arm. At this physical contact with Frodo she gasped, and then salvaged her senses and said to him, "We're on the road!"  
"Shit!" He said, and was interrupted by the Narrator (number1).  
_N1: Our beloved hobbits have learnt swear words…_  
At this great omnipotent voice, Merry said "What the fuck?"  
_N1: See? I blame you for this, N2.  
N2: Fine, be like that!_  
The story then resumed, with Frodo informing everyone, "I think we should get off the road!"  
However, the others weren't listening. Sam, annoyed at having fallen down a hill, and clearly forgetting that he was the one who started it, muttered "Trust a Brandybuck and a Took!"  
"And a Ross!" Added Poppy.  
"And a Green!" Kate said.  
"And a Locke…" Rowie trailed off. "Wait, I'm a Took. I'm confused!"  
"This was just a shortcut," Merry told him.  
"A shortcut to what?"  
"Mushrooms!" Pippin said excitedly. He then hurried to them, for 'tis well known that hobbits love mushrooms. However, being on the bottom of the heap, he was pushed down by Merry, and subsequently Sam. Poppy also rushed after the mushrooms, but Kate stayed behind proclaiming that mushrooms were "Blech!" and "Gross!"  
"Get off the road!" Frodo said again, more forcefully, and as the hobbits and Poppy had sated their mushroom urge by filling a large bag with them, they obliged Frodo and got off the road.  
The hobbits hid under the roots of a very large tree. Being so small, they were unseen from the main road. Merry, Pippin, Rowie and Sam all busied themselves looking excitedly into the mushroom bag…  
_N1: How suss does that sound?_  
…while Frodo looked anxiously onto the road as an unnatural wind swept the leaves up. Poppy, meanwhile, had climbed halfway up the tree and was hiding in a large crevice in the bark, and Kate had made her way into the top branches (they were very sturdy branches, thankfully, so they could hold the weight of an abnormal-elf).  
The whole area went silent as the Cheesewraith rode slowly down the road. Even from down under the tree, and up in the highest branches, they could hear it as it sniffed the air for any traces of the One Ring or, somewhat more absurdly, cheese. Discovering there was no cheese, but getting a hint of the ring, the wraith stopped its horse directly next to the tree. As it dropped to the ground after dismounting, its heavy armour shook and rattled, and the heavy thump disturbed the ground.  
The Cheesewraith struck fear into the hearts of the hobbits, elf and Poppy. Its presence alone was enough to make anyone shudder, scream or run away, but the terror had instilled itself and froze all of their movements. The animals of the wood, however, scampered away; beetles crept out from the tree, worms came out from the ground. A large spider scuttled its way onto Merry's shoulder, nearly causing him to squeak.  
Another long sniff was heard. The presence of the Cheesewraith was almost too much for Frodo. The ring was calling to it, letting it know of its location. Bearing the ring, even for the short amount of time that he'd had it in his possession, was already taking its toll. It was calling to him, and his eyes started to roll back into his head. The Cheesewraith sniffed louder. Frodo by now was almost wearing the ring, the whispering was getting louder, its pull was stronger, he couldn't help but put it on, regardless of the consequences –  
Sam stopped him with a fixed look and grabbed his hand. Frodo realised what he was doing and pulled his hands apart, hiding the ring once more. At this, the Cheesewraith lost its scent, and was distracted yet more by Merry throwing the bag of mushrooms a distance away. It went to investigate that, and when the coast was clear, Kate allowed herself to fall out of the tree.  
"WARGH!"

**Time*Out**

_N2: Wargh? Why wargh? Why not wahh! More sense much!_

**Time*In**

After injuring herself by falling out of the tree, Kate muttered rather sinisterly to herself. "Stupid fucking clumsy crappy bloody…"  
Just to add insult to injury, Poppy jumped nimbly out of the tree and landed gracefully on all fours – rather like a cat – and proceeded to calmly lick her hands and wash behind her ears.  
Everyone stared.  
"What?" She asked innocently, "I'm half of everything!"  
_N1: This is the moment that you should, if you possess either the opening credits to the show or the soundtrack, start to play the X-Files. If not, please feel obliged to hum._  
"Dammit!" Kate said vehemently, "I'm an elf! I should be able to jump out of trees! Mrg!" She seemed quite oblivious to the strange looks she was getting, and watched Pippin scramble out from under the tree.  
"What was that thing?" He asked, scared.  
"What if it comes back?" Rowie suddenly thought.  
Sam summed up what they were all thinking when he articulated the idea of "Run!"

*****

Soon, a menacing darkness fell, highlighted by the full moon tinting the sky a spine-chilling blue. Out of breath, they all stopped for a short break to look out into the night for any more Cheesewraiths. Pippin jogged unsteadily down the hill.  
"What was that thing?" He asked to the world in general.  
"That rider was looking for something… or someone…" Merry identified. "Frodo?" He asked.  
"We must leave the shire," Frodo stated.  
"Right," Merry said, "Buckleberry ferry – follow me!" 

During the slightly hurried walk to the river, Kate started complaining. "Owww! Bloody tree! I'm all bruised!"  
Pippin, with his finger outstretched and ready to poke, asked excitedly "Where?"  
"I fell on my arse," Kate drawled, "Guess!"  
"Oh," Pippin looked upset. "Never mind!" He turned to Rowie, "Soooooo! Can I poke you?"  
"No," was the reply.  
"Tease you?"  
"No."  
"Tickle you?"  
"No."  
"Hit you?"  
"No."  
This relentless annoyance continued until Rowie became – like anyone would – fed up. Thus, she yelled…  
"STOP IT!!!!"  
…causing silence to descend hastily upon the party and surrounding area, and the words to echo through the landscape.  
"Oh shit."   
This deadpan exclamation was accompanied by the most terrifying, spine-chilling scream anyone had ever heard – the Cheesewraiths knew where they were! Unsurprisingly, everyone started pegging it to the ferry (aka running as fast as they could). They ran as silently as they could – and though the slapping noises of Rowie's feet were as quiet as she could make them, it was unnerving when they stopped.   
Looking back, and wondering why it was so silent, Kate saw that Rowie had collapsed.  
"My knees! They hurt! Oh they cane! Shitty!" She cried, "Can't run… any… further…"  
"Shit, Rowie!" Kate backtracked and picked her up, and they pegged it towards the ferry that was starting to move away. "Nooooooooooo! Wait!" They both jumped on, and Kate celebrated. "Woohoo! We rock! In your face! Ha ha!"  
However, she was unaware of the dilemma behind her until she heard everyone yelling to Frodo, who was this close to being caught by the big scary Cheesewraiths.  
"FROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOO!" Rowie screamed.  
"Run, Frodo, run!" Pip yelled.  
"Come on!" Was Merry's addition, and Poppy was shouting,  
"Run! Run like Cheesewraiths are after you!" She paused. Blinked. Tried again. "Wait… RUN!"  
"What the…?" Kate turned, and saw Frodo running, running like the wind, running like Carly's wind! Well, perhaps not that fast, as tis impossible, but extremely speedily. "Oh dear."  
"Aaaaaahhhh!" Frodo jumped the fence, and rushed towards the ferry. "Go!" He called to them, and managed a flying leap to get on just in time – helped along by Sam grabbing him so he didn't fall in.  
"Oh Christ," everyone sighed.  
The Cheesewraith chasing Frodo stopped just in time to prevent himself and his horse from plunging into the river. The other two wraiths joined him, and they rode swiftly away.  
"How far to the nearest crossing?" Frodo asked.  
"Brandywine Bridge," Merry told him. "Twenty miles."

Their journey had begun.

*****

(1) This odd sentence is due to an incident during the writing of this tale. I forgot that Harriet was elsewhere, and so the writing looked like this:  
_"Pip: Hmm?  
Harriet: *isn't there*  
Kate: She's not here."_  
(2) It is never Saurottie's fault. In fact, it is usually mine.  
(3) Time Ins and Time Outs were randomly introduced one day. It is still not explained why authors notes appear in both Time Outs/Ins and during the actual story. It is also unexplained why the narrator's voices suddenly came into play.


	7. Of Beer And Randoms

Title: Lord of the Rings, Version 2.0, Chapter 6.  
A/N: We have come now to the end... I am posting this merely as an official notice to say that LotR, v2.0 is on permanent hiatus. If you hadn't figured that out from the not-updating-for-over-a-year thing. Oo  
It all stems from a) having no more material to write up, b) having no writing buddy and c) having no writing buddy. Now, I realise these are the same point but I felt them so important that they must be mentioned twice! When I moved from England I knew that it would be very tough to continue this, and I let you all know. But let us say that Rowan has changed, somewhat, and we rarely speak. Which is why it's sort of sad to look back on this story. Good times, good times.  
Anyway. I leave you with the remains of Chapter 6, and some random moments, just for the hell of it. Enjoy, and goodbye. (Or rather I will say "So long, and thanks for all the fish.") 

_Chapter 6: Beer._

It had started raining sometime between their escape from the Ringwraiths and their arrival on land once more. All that the party knew was that there were soaked through, and couldn't wait until they reached Bree, where Gandalf would be waiting for them. Where they would go from there, they weren't sure, but they were certain that the wizard would have a plan of sorts.

After stumbling through dark forests, rocky paths and more mud than a pig-pen, the dusky light hanging over the gate of Bree was a welcome sign. They clustered together in front of the gate, and Frodo knocked.

The small window opened, and a wrinkled face peered out. He saw Kate and the top of Poppy's head standing some way away from the entrance.  
"You needn't have to stand so far away, Miss," he informed her.  
"Hmm? Oh." Kate pointed downwards toward the hobbits in front of her. The gatekeeper grumbled slightly and closed the top window, opening the hobbit-level one below. "Hobbits! What business might five hobbits, an elf and… an... um… want in Bree?"  
"We head for the Prancing Pony!" Frodo raised his voice above the wind and the rain, his look stating he was suspicious of the gate-keeper. "Our business is our own!"  
"Alright, young sir, I was only askin'," the gatekeeper told Frodo. "'Tis my job to ask questions after nightfall. There's talk of strange folk abroad. Can't be too careful…" He shared his own suspicious look with the travellers, and then opened the door.  
"He's right to think us strange, at least…" Kate said, looking at them all.

They headed towards the Prancing Pony, the muddy path sometimes proving a hazard when the matted people of the town barged past them. Poppy could swear they were growled at a few times.  
Rowie, on the other hand, was having trouble just staying upright. "Ahh! Death wish!"  
"Rowie, get out of the road!" Kate told her, and Rowan obligingly stumbled onto the pavement, joining the group.  
"Wow…" Merry said, gazing up at the Prancing Pony, indicated by a sign swinging precariously above their heads. "That's bloody big!"  
"Hmm. Could do with slightly higher doors…" Kate pondered.  
"Serves you right for being so bloody big!" Poppy said indignantly, still not quite at grips with being a sort-of-dwarf.  
"Are youuuuuuuuuuuse pickin' a fight wi' me, ey ey ey ey?" Kate inquired in a manner not unlike one of the Fast Show sketches.  
"Oh…!" Poppy grumbled to herself. "Stupid… fucking… so big… thinks… so good…." She trailed off to discover everyone looking at her with raised eyebrows. "What?" She paused. "Oh, just fuck off! Go get a beer or summat!"  
"BEER!" Came the semi-war cry from Rowie and Kate, who rushed into the pub. The rest followed with more caution, being greeted by Barliman, who looked at them from over the counter.  
"Well hello my little masters!" Rowie and Kate rushed past again, heading to the bar. "And little… big…" He caught sight of Poppy, arms crossed and leaning against a wall with a sullen look on her face. "…uhm… other ladies! I have some nice hobbit… and people… and… rooms! You are Mister...?"  
"Underhill," Frodo said, ignoring the looks the others gave him. "My name's Underhill. We're looking for Gandalf the Grey," he told Barliman. "Can you tell him we've arrived?"  
"Gandalf? Gandalf?" Barliman paused to think for a while. "Oh yes! I remember. Elderly chap. Big grey beard, pointy hat." The travellers looked at each other, smiling. "Not seen him for six months," they were informed, and the smiles faded from their faces.  
"Not good." Poppy said, summing up the general feeling.

At the bar, Rowie was ready for her drink. "Two beers, please!" Having got them, she wandered off to sit at a table with Kate.  
Pippin ordered. "A beer, please!" And he wandered to the table also.  
Merry, meanwhile, had a better idea. "A big beer, thanks mate!"  
"You mean a pint?" The bartender looked at him incredulously.  
"That's the one!" Merry was handed his pint, and headed to the table, grinning.  
"Ooh!" Pippin exclaimed. "What's that?"  
"This, my friend, is a pint!"  
"It comes in pints?" Pippin asked, and received a noise of affirmation from Merry, who was too busy drinking to talk. "I'm getting one!" He told the others determinedly, and ignored Sam's cry of "You've had a whole half already!"

_Chapter 45698723: Uber Randoms._

Of Invisible Friends  
Kate: Eurgh! Who farted?  
_All deny it except Merry, who is gazing admirably at Kate because she spoke to him… well sort of, it makes sense in Merry's brain._  
Kate: Merry?  
Merry: Urghalmnff. :to Pippin: she spoke to me! To me! Little me:thud:  
_Merry fell to the floor in shock. And as an afterthought:  
_Merry: It wasn't me.  
Kate: C'mon! Who? Oh wait… I think it was Bob. Bob!  
Bob: silence.  
Kate: Did you fart?  
Bob: silence.  
Kate: Bob! Go away, you stink!  
Bob: silent walk away dejectedly.  
Kate: I didn't mean it Bob! Come back.  
Bob: silent cheer up.  
Pippin: Who is she talking to?  
Rowie: Bob.  
Pip: Who's Bob?  
Rowie: Her imaginary friend.  
Pip: But he doesn't exist.  
Rowie: Shhh! Anyway, why do you think only Kate could smell it?

Of General Annoyance  
Rowie: DAMN THE HOBBIT DRESSES!

Of Elf-Grace... Or not...  
Kate:tries her hand at archery. succeeds.: WOOT! Is this an elf thing or summat?  
Rowie: Kate… um… Kate?  
Kate: What?  
Rowie: your shoes are… on the wrong feet.  
Kate: Really?

Of Flaming Monsters  
Kate: whee! FIRE!  
Rowie: Fire? Ooooh, pretty…. Hey, Kate?  
Kate:drags self out of firey daze: mmm? What?  
Rowie: Is that Meg?  
:both look at the Balrog. It is indeed Rowie and Kate's mate Meg:  
Gandalf: Meg? Megroc? Oh dear.  
Harriet: What?  
Gandalf: I'm in trouble.  
All chorus: Why?  
Gandalf: I stood her up on a date once… she never forgave me.  
:all laugh:  
Gandalf:blushes: shh!  
:fire comes round the corner:  
Rowie and Kate: Meg! Hey, Meg!  
Meg: MAAAAH:IS FIREY:  
Rowie and Kate: mimblewimble.  
Meg:spies Gandalf, nostrils flare:  
Gandalf: Oh dear.  
Meg:has impressive firey presence:  
All:cower in fear:  
Meg: You bastard! You stood me up! How dare you, hmm?  
Gandalf: RUN!  
All:run the hell away, across the bridge:  
Meg: Gandy! I'm gonna get youuuuu!  
Gandalf:stands on bridge, wielding staff:  
Meg:stands on bridge also, wielding firey whip:  
Legolas: Funny, I never had the Megroc pegged as a dominatrix…  
Kate, Rowie, Harriet and Poppy: Ewwwwwwek.  
Meg: MAH:burns Legolas' hair:  
Legolas: AAAAGH!  
Rowan: Um. Meg?  
Meg: MAA---oh, hey:peers: bit small, aren't you? How's things?  
Rowan: Yeah, good. You see - :long, complicated rambling: - aaaaaaaand yeah.  
Meg: Cool. I must now get back to destroying this git:indicates Gandalf:  
Rowie: I was hoping we could bypass that bit. You see, we're on a mission –  
Kate:Elwood Blues voice: We're on a mission from GOD.  
Rowie: - to save the earth and –  
Meg: He's your leader.  
Rowie: Psychic! And, well, yes.  
Meg: sorry Rowie!  
All: Bugger.  
Rowie: one last thing… what's with the whip?  
Meg: Part of the story.  
Rowie: Ah. Okay. Onwards!  
Meg: MARGH! BASTARD! STUPID BLOODY……!

Of Nicknames And Hero-Worship... _(and the author would here like to stress again that the Merry-worship was SO NOT HER IDEA. Because unlike her fictional counterpart, this Kate would be rather pleased if Merry hero-worshipped her. Though there is a bit of a height difference. Bahah.)_  
Rowie: Hey Bops –  
Poppy: yeah?  
Merry: Bops?  
Poppy: yeah?  
Merry: Bops?  
Poppy: What! Isn't is great to be in demand!  
Merry: Bops?  
Poppy: Oh bloody hell, WHAT?  
Merry: Why'd she call you Bops?  
Rowie: Cos it's her nickname.  
Merry: Oh. Okay then. Hey Kate?  
Kate:slips into a Scots accent: Aye:and out: I mean, what?  
Merry: Is Kate a nickname?  
Kate: Yes.  
Merry: Short for…?  
Kate: Katherine.  
Merry: Oh. Kate?  
Kate:exasperated: what?  
Merry: You know you're my hero…ine…  
Kate: Yes.  
Merry: Will you marry me?  
Kate: WHAT!

Of Authors Leaving Too Much Time Between Writing  
Strider:glances over shoulder:pause: I've forgotten what I was going to say!

Of Women  
Sam: I've never understood women.  
Rowie:from the forest: WOOHOOO! WATER! I'M GONNA BE CLEEEEEEAAAAAAAAN!  
Sam: See what I mean?

Of Evil Eyes  
The Big Eye: MWAHAHAHAHA!

Of Firey Monsters, Take Two  
Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!  
Megroc: But I really need the loo!

Of Elf Princesses  
Rowan: Cheers, man!  
Arwen: I'm not a man!  
Rowan: Try explaining the moustache, then…

Of Cliches...  
Elrond: You shall be the fellowship of twelve, to overpower the nine nazgul!  
Kate: ……Mr Anderson.

END.


End file.
